The Daily Downer

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>>You're Going To Die A Virgin >>Santa Claus Is A Bad Idea
>>Mommy's Dirty Little Secret >>Severely Chapped Lips

There never seems to be a day that goes by without me wondering, “What is that person thinking?!?” For example, there’s this elderly couple that lives near me and for whatever reason they have a flimsy “gate” at the end of their driveway. I have a hard time calling it a gate because it wouldn’t stop anyone from trying to enter but maybe the eight “DO NOT ENTER” signs they have would. Anyways, every day when I go to work, I drive past their house at about the same time the wife leaves her home. Every time she leaves, she has to get in her car, reverse it to the end of the driveway, get out, open the gate, get back in the car, reverse it past the gate, get out of the car, close the gate, get back in the car, and leave. Every single day. Then she repeats the same process but in reverse when she gets home.

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I went to a wedding today and during the reception I found a $20 bill in front of the bar. Normally, I would take it as a sign that God wanted me to drink $20 worth of alcohol but since it was already an open bar, I did something most people wouldn’t do. I tried to find the person who lost it. Unfortunately for them, there was no one around and I didn’t see it fall. Trying to do the right thing, I asked the bartender if anyone had mentioned losing some money. When she said no, I told her that I wanted to give the person a chance to claim it, but if no one did, I wanted the money to go to the bride and groom. She looked way too eager to “hold” the money and was practically foaming at the mouth. I’m not a very trusting person by nature but especially not then with how big her eyes got.

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I’ve received a few emails from someone trying to figure out if they’re a pessimist or not. I didn’t think I could do it, but I put together this test so you can see if you’re a pessimist too. If three or more of the following apply, then you’re a pessimist.

1. You come to this page with the expectation that there’s no way a test will define you as a pessimist or not.

2. Instead of counting how many years you’ve been alive for your birthday, you count down the number of years you have left compared to the average life span.

3. When someone tells you that you look nice, you point out the poop stain on your jeans.

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There comes a time in almost every man’s life when he has settle down or he will become a bachelor forever. Eventually, the majority of guys will be pressured into getting married. As any guy that’s ever had a long term relationship knows, if you have to do something for your girl, you might as well make it romantic because the benefits can be enormous. If you halfway do whatever it is, you’re bound to get into a long, drawn-out fight. Proposing is no exception. That is why I put together a list of proposal ideas that are sure to be the highlight of your marriage.

TheDailyDowner.com’s Extremely Romantic Proposal Ideas:

• Some people get nervous at the very thought of proposing. Just print the “Proposal Survey” below and ask her best friend to give it to her before running away. Your soon to be fiance will be swept off her feet with your beautiful compilation of words on paper.



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Whoever had the idea to develop Santa Claus into the Christmas cultural icon he is today made a huge mistake. What were they thinking? “Ok guys, I have a great idea. What we’re going to do is lie to our children by telling them a dead hairy fat guy breaks into our house to give them gifts.” That’s not creepy at all. First of all, Christmas is not about getting gifts and children miss this point because they’re too preoccupied with making their wish lists. I still can’t figure out why parents buy gifts out of their own pocket just to give some fat man all the credit. That’s not even the main thing that bothers me though.

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