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>>You're Going To Die A Virgin >>Santa Claus Is A Bad Idea
>>Mommy's Dirty Little Secret >>Severely Chapped Lips

Halloween. The day that goths actually fit in and a girl can dress up as a dirty mommy without being labeled. What is it about Halloween that makes people so excited? I get no joy out of buying candy just to turn around and hand it out to strangers dressed up in cheap costumes. I don’t give in to terrorist threats of “Trick or Treat.” Try to trick me, kid. I’m smarter than a fifth grader.

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Not many people get a day named after them. Fewer have it taken back. I remember growing up and celebrating Columbus Day with sayings such as “In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.” Now, most people probably don’t even know today is Columbus Day. Some of those who do, protest it. If the legacy of the person who found America can be partially nullified, where does that leave your legacy (or lack of one)?

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Whoever had the idea to develop Santa Claus into the Christmas cultural icon he is today made a huge mistake. What were they thinking? “Ok guys, I have a great idea. What we’re going to do is lie to our children by telling them a dead hairy fat guy breaks into our house to give them gifts.” That’s not creepy at all. First of all, Christmas is not about getting gifts and children miss this point because they’re too preoccupied with making their wish lists. I still can’t figure out why parents buy gifts out of their own pocket just to give some fat man all the credit. That’s not even the main thing that bothers me though.

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