The Daily Downer

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I bet you didn’t know that today is the worst day of your life. Don’t worry, that’s what I’m here for. It’s widely known that college is the “best time of your life.” That means if you didn’t go to college, not only are you making less money throughout your life, but you also didn’t have as much fun. Sucks to be you but someone has to do it. I’m glad it’s you and not me.

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When you live by yourself or with a few buddies, you can pretty much do whatever you want. There are the inevitable beer cans strewn about and without question, the toilet seat is always up. Somewhere along the way, if you don’t die a virgin, you’ll probably end up married and living with a woman. You will discover that resistance is futile. Slowly but surely you will become domesticated until you wake up one day and realize life as you knew it is over.

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I thought by now, after running this site for a few weeks, I would have an idea of why I’m doing this in the first place. I still have no clue. Essentially, I’ve combined every single thing I’m bad at to form a hobby. My high school counselor should be ashamed.

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Take this Dose of Downers until symptoms of happiness and green discharge cease.

In case of overdose, immediately call your psychiatrist a jerk.

Woman left in CT scanner for hours
The sad thing is she’ll probably sue and win a million dollars for a few hours of being uncomfortable. You, on the other hand, go through your whole life being uncomfortable and you don’t make jack.

6 die from brain-eating amoeba in lakes
Think about this when you’re having fun outdoors. Better yet, it might be safer to never leave your house.

Negative Thought of the Day
If you’re reading this alone on a Saturday night, you might be a loser are a loser.

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I can’t remember the last time I had good service. Oh yeah, it was in 1993. It seems like everywhere I go, the employees there couldn’t care less about their own incompetence. I swear, you’d make a billion dollars if you started a company that did exactly what it said it would do and (gasp!) treat customers with respect.

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