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>>You're Going To Die A Virgin >>Santa Claus Is A Bad Idea
>>Mommy's Dirty Little Secret >>Severely Chapped Lips

Whoever had the idea to develop Santa Claus into the Christmas cultural icon he is today made a huge mistake. What were they thinking? “Ok guys, I have a great idea. What we’re going to do is lie to our children by telling them a dead hairy fat guy breaks into our house to give them gifts.” That’s not creepy at all. First of all, Christmas is not about getting gifts and children miss this point because they’re too preoccupied with making their wish lists. I still can’t figure out why parents buy gifts out of their own pocket just to give some fat man all the credit. That’s not even the main thing that bothers me though.

The most messed up thing about it all is that parents are lying to their children. This isn’t some little white lie either. No, they drill these ideas into their kid’s heads at a young age and even put in great effort to keep the lie going. This is a genius plan. Let’s lie to our kids for several years and expect them to believe everything else we say after we shatter their trust. How are kids supposed to believe anything else they are taught when they were just blatantly lied to? I can just see it now, “So you’re telling me that the guy who brings me lots of gifts is not real, the bunny who gives me lots of candy is not real, and the tooth fairy who gives me lots of money is not real but this God guy who hasn’t given me any gifts or proof is real?!? Sure, and I bet the next thing you’ll try to tell me is that I wasn’t delivered to you by a stork.”

As if this lie couldn’t get any worse, Maxim’s December 2003 issue states that 70% of mall Santa applicants have criminal backgrounds. That means that parents are voluntarily taking their kids to sit on a criminal’s lap for a photo opportunity. Great idea parents! Lie to your kids while taking them to sit on a criminal’s lap but don’t you dare let them go a night without wearing their retainers!

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