The Daily Downer

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Take this Dose of Downers until symptoms of happiness and green discharge cease.

In case of overdose, immediately call your psychiatrist a jerk.

Every generation does better? Don’t count on it
Adjusted for inflation, the average income is 12.5% lower in 2004 than it was in 1974. I blame the Spice Girls.

Scientists develop non-stick chewing gum
I’m sure this is exactly what little Timmy from the Make A Wish foundation would want. Trying to cure cancer is so overrated. There should be more scientists researching things like this.

Negative Thought of the Day
No matter what you do in life, there will always be someone better at it than you.

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Take this Dose of Downers until symptoms of happiness and green discharge cease.

In case of overdose, immediately call your psychiatrist a jerk.

Ultimate Owned Compilation
A PETA optimist might say, “At least there were no animals hurt in the making of this video” but they obviously haven’t seen volumes two, three, or eighteen.

Marry Our Daughter
The sad thing is if this was real, there are guys out there who would really use this. When I say “guys out there” I really mean you.

Negative Thought of the Day
It’s not your fault you’re a failure. Actually, it is.

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Take this Dose of Downers until symptoms of happiness and green discharge cease.

In case of overdose, immediately call your psychiatrist a jerk.

Russian province gets set for ‘Conception Day’
How depressing is this? A province in Russia has to encourage a “Conception Day” by giving a day off and awarding prizes because, for whatever reason, Russians just don’t get jiggy with it. An easier solution would be to implement a U.S. styled welfare system. That seems to promote baby-making factories here.

Ten Ways to Lose Friends and Alienate Coworkers
You can follow these ten ways, or you can just be yourself.

Negative Thought of the Day
Those 30 (or 300) extra pounds you have now will probably be the least you’ll weigh for the rest of your life, fatty.

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Take this Dose of Downers until symptoms of happiness and green discharge cease.

In case of overdose, immediately call your psychiatrist a jerk.

CEO pay: 364 times more than workers
Think about this one while you’re working hard at looking busy at your job. In the same amount of time that it takes your CEO to poop, he made your yearly salary. Don’t do the math on this one, just trust me. Yes, I know that’s a long poop.

Bin Laden branded `virtually impotent’
If the mastermind behind the attacks on September 11th is impotent, how important does that make you? Pretty important if you have some Viagra.

Negative Thought of the Day
Is the glass half-empty or half-full? Shouldn’t you be more concerned with the blood in your stool?

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